I had one of the best weekends I have had in a really long time! Most favorite was spending it with one of my best friends doing something just for us. Sure I missed my kids and husband, but sometimes you just need me time. Me and Kennedy picked up my friend Amber from the airport early Friday morning, came home and took a little nap. When we got up, we got ready and went to eat at one of my favorite places, Babe's Chicken Dinner House. Amber had never been and I am always looking for a reason to go. After that, we went and got our nails done. Now that is where our US time started. We drove to Dallas to attend the Women of Faith which I have never got to spend with someone I am so close to, so that was a treat for me. After the Friday night conference we went back to the hotel, talked, ate, watched a movie(that by the way was bizarre, but good), but most of all, we just got to hang out with no kids, no husbands, no distractions! Oh almost forgot, we had the most memorable ride home, I couldn't do it justice by describing it, but the ladies in the car with us know what I am talking about! Ha ha. Saturday, we get up, get ready and head back to the conference. Little did I know that one of the speakers that day would be speaking directly to me and part of her story was almost exactly like mine. While all of the speakers were amazing and their faith in God took them through so many struggles, Angie Smith's story was the one I related to the most. 4 yrs ago she got news during her pregnancy that her unborn daughter would probably not make it because she had a list of issues that the doctors could do nothing about. They suggested that she get an abortion, but she chose not to and continue on with the pregnancy even though she knew her baby would not(unless it was God's will) survive. She already had 3 daughters and along with her husband decided to make the best of the pregnancy. The baby girl only survived a couple of hours after being born. If you get a chance to read her story, I would highly recommend it. I was planning on writing this post about my friend and I, but after hearing that story, I thought it better to post about my story.
Now here is my story, in 2003, I gave birth to my daughter Kennedy, she was an awesome baby and now is a 9 year daughter that I am so proud of! After having Kennedy, my doctor found some pre cancerous cells on my cervix that needed to be removed. After performing the procedure he said if I was to get pregnant again one thing he would continually watch is thinning of my cervix that could cause premature labor. So in 2005, we were so excited to find out once again we were expecting. And just like he said my doctor checked my cervix. At 20 weeks we went in to find out what the sex of the baby was. And we found out it was another girl and again my cervix was fine. Then 2 weeks later on April 26, 2005 I woke up for work and felt a ton of pressure, I wasn't in pain, there was just something that didn't feel right. I called the doctor an mine wasn't on call, but his associate that was said what I was describing sounded normal, but he suggested I go in when the office opened to let my doctor check it out. So I waited the 4 hours and went in. I still was in no pain, but when the nurse came in I told her that there was something that just didn't seem right. Then the doctor came in and listened to the baby and said her heartbeat was strong and he didn't think anything was wrong, but he would go ahead and check my cervix while I was there, that's when the day went downhill quickly....... As soon as he looked up, I knew by the look on his face he was about to say something I didn't want to hear. He said I was in labor and he was calling the ambulance to come get me because he couldn't let me drive myself. Then he did something amazing, he sat in the room and prayed with me until the paramedics got there. I started trying to call Mark and he wasn't answering so several people started hunting him down. I got to the hospital, scared and still couldn't find Mark. They immediately started trying to stop the contractions, but that didn't work, so she was coming ready or not. He didn't have hopes that she would survive because she was so small and her lungs were not developed but he still had a NICU doctor come in just in case there was a chance. Somehow and it is still unbelievable to me, but Mark walked in right before she was born and while I don't know how it happened, I thank God for that. They were not able to save her and that was one of the hardest times of my life. The nurses there were so amazing, as was the funeral director, and many other people. I think about Lexi all the time and wonder what she would look like or what her personality would be like, etc.
Now back to the conference, during Angie's story, she asked all the moms to stand who had experienced the loss of a child and at that moment, I found myself not as sad for me, but more for all those other moms who had experienced the loss of a child, because you see I know some of those moms lost children that actually lived passed birth, children they shared experience and memories with, and that loss I couldn't even imagine, or moms that suffered loss during or right after pregnancy and weren't able to have more, again a loss I can't imagine. I had Kennedy and she was what helped me so much. Even though I had this huge empty pit in my stomach and my arms were empty and that was hard to go through I had her smiling face and that was such a blessing.
Almost exactly one year later, we found ourselves back at the doctor's office expecting again. I was so scared, but so thankful for another chance. This time, my I was at the office every two weeks, had my cervix sewn together, then from week 20-36 a nurse came to my house to give me a shot and monitor my baby each week. We found out we were having a boy, and while we really didn't care one way or the other Mark was excited to be having a boy(not sure how he would have made it in a house full of girls). When Cayden was born, I found myself excited, but also felt guilty that I was so happy to have him. The rest they say is history and while I miss Lexi a ton, I CAN NOT imagine my life without Cayden, there is never a dull moment with him and sometimes I think that is because God is telling me to not be sad for the loss, but happy knowing He never left my side!
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